This Is The Last Time

Patric
Originally uploaded by keksilang.

Lately my blog entries have been, how shall I say this, shallow?

Well, it has been actually. It's like there's this tiny 4x4 concrete wall locking up my mind from being able to write something.

Maybe tonight there is some thing worth writing, or a bunch of some things to write about. I dont know. This time, I'll just set my mind to auto drive and let my hand type concious-directive free.

i was chatting to Jezsiema earlier today and i think she also noticed that lately, even in my chats with her, i seem distant, forced. I cant be sure of what happened to me lately but I can make a few guesses:

1: I feel vunerable due to my outburst of emotions and letting it all out on my blog and spilling it over messenger that I'm scared that some one just might use that to some evil extent. I dont know who but knowing myself, my paranoia can go a little haywire, and with that, mind-numbing depression.

2: After a sudden outburst of emotion, my mind probably went OFF and took a sabbatical holiday, leaving me in zombie-like state. Not actually having some form of concoiusness to make a ruckuss inside my head. Which is nice, but not for long periods of time.

3: Maybe there's just nothing good, but there's some part of me that is forcing and lying to myself that if i dont put something new, people will stop reading this. So, if my blog feels like they're forced or fake (Heaven forbid!), well it is... except the one with the Brownie Russ and the song lyrics. It was a spur of the moment and I was being emotinal. the puppy reminds me of AS and the song is singing out my emotional tales and past mistakes, present realisation and determination and a hopeful future.

Excuse me for a moment while i listen to the song.

You see, I've been doing some self- re-evaluation. Yep,a re-evaluation. I wanted to find out why I had to go and mess up my life when it's badly messed up in the first place. In truth, I couldnt lie to anyone but myself. Bad stuff. And my ego is heckuva stubborn stain to get rid off. Maybe it never will, but by golly I will scrub my soul and bleach it with Clorox till it's a little more than a inconspicous smudge. Visible, but inconspicous. I would love to have my ego completely erased out of my system for sure, but we all know that ego always has a sneaky way of coming back. I found that out the extremely painful and stupid way.

Thanks again to my fated sister, Jezsiema for the cyber tissue and shoulder.

But till today, i had another session with myself and i noticed i may have changed for the better. I hope i have changed for the better. Let me just get this down and over with it.

Warning: This will be unsuprisingly dirty.

I was a sex-junkie. I wont explain any further. I'll leave it to the readers imagination.

Till today i had a re-cap of my life. i wasn't like how I was before. Before, I never thought I'd get over that. Lets just say that I've been very well behaved for the past 5 months. It may not sound like much but i take a small pride in knowing I can get over this shit. I hope I can stay that way for as long as I could.

Also, I never considered myself a Christian till the time I got to know my ex whom i shall refer to as "MC". Dont even go guessing the name. You see, it was her that i got to know Christ and she never forced me into it. I just made up my mind to become a Catholic. Halfway into the relationship with MC and my passage to understanding Christ, she dropped the 12 tan A-bomb on me. It hurt like hell. My faith was literally shaken and from then on going to church feels like taking bitter coffee with the hottest chillies down my gut and tongue. And I was miserable. Painfully miserable, depressed and alone.

But I made it through the rites and all and I still go to mass. It didnt felt like a chore or a burden, I just dont feel happy. In fact, I think it feels pretty hollow inside me. Its hard to explain this. Please dont start saying anything about putting my faith in Christ. I do have faith, and I do believe whole heartedly in Him. It just really hurts and I feel so helpless. Maybe, I hope, in time, I may find some joy again in going to church and participating in it.

Thankfully however, I haven't seen MC or her family in church that I've been going to. I hope to not see her now. Notice that i dont use the word never, because I have this gut-wrenching feeling that some time in the future, i might stumble into her. God help me that this doesnt happen. That's how much hurt I am feeling right now. And I was always sad at home. I knew that because my mum noticed it.

But that is in the past. I'm still trying very hard to get MC out of my head and out of my entire being. But memories has a habit of lingering around. I will leave it to nothing more than a painful memory.

I've been thinking about AS. AS is some one i did many wrong to. But we've always worked out. We were together for the longest, 3 years solid. And if were to count form the moment we began, we were together for 5, 6 years. And I had to go and mess it all up due to my stupid, ignorant ego.

To miss cayce, remember the little post about men? Here's 2 more:

Men have super-sized, obnoxious, stupid, ignorant, bimbo-ass of an ego the size of the universe.

Men are also are capable of throwing fits, fueled by their Apollo sized rocket fuel ego. This is very bad.

Now, Before the rest of man kind comes here and flames me and possibly cut my weener and stick a prong into my eye, there are men who arent like that, but they are a rare comodity. If you ladies do find them, good for you. I am more like common rock, average and non-attractive. And common.

Now where was I? Right, now even when I was with MC, i do think of AS and wondered how she was doing (obviously sad, you jerk!) and I wanted to find out how she was, but I never did. You can always depend on the guy to never check up on you when you need it. Oh that's another fact about men too. well, since I'm considering this from my point of view of myself.

One day i met her AS online. MC had already dumped me ages ago, so i thought i start the conversation. We talked about how each other was doing, me being dumped, her in a relationship, and the oozing of my emotional to her. I kept myself on a very short leash. I have never called her nor sms-ed her or even meet up with her, only by messenger, and whenever she's online. I was keeping an eye on myself and my emotional reactions when she's online and when she's not online and my mind goes mental, missing her and wondering what could keep her offline the whole day. And in no more than 2 days of not seeing AS online, I was a total emotional wreck, though on the outside, i seem perfectly and emotionally in control, minus the enthusiasm for work. It had been raining like mad in the past days and I was worried sick for her and her family and their house. I wrote an email wondering just how she was doing but i did not call her or sms-ed her. Even when i so desperately want to hear her that she's allright i didnt. She made me promised not to do that and so far, I've been keeping to it. Then out of the blue, she messaged. WHEW! The relief I felt when i found out that she was allright. And her family and their place.

It's so sad. To only realise that I had lost something very precious after i had lost it. I admit, I didn't know how to appreciate her then. Till I realise what a jerk I was and how i miss her, I can only hope that I had learn this lesson. Now that I miss her, I miss her for all the times that we had. There were fights that we had and though i dont miss that, I miss the time we spent. Like driving around, watching tv, walks, my attempt to show off my culinary skills (it was more of a on-the-spot-thing). And the talks about our lives like how bored i was at my work or how the neighhbour was looking at her funny or how boring the lecture is. Trivial stuff, but I miss all that. This was COMPLETELY different from last time of what i miss her about, but I'm not going there.


There was once she asked me put for a drink, and I didnt feel like it and my oversized paranoia and ego made me didnt want to go. When she asked me again some time later in messenger, I said that I would like that very much. I hope we do go out for a drink.


And when she told me something which I wont say to respect her privacy, I was shocked and afraid. Why? Because I was literally terrified of losing her! My heart literally skipped a beat! I couldn't bear the thought of it. If i could cry right now i would but i cant. It's a psychological thing i made to protect myself but I am a wreck inside. And knowing that, I re-examined myself. To see if I am worthy of her, for one last time.

I miss her, and I want nothing more than a chance, a last chance to make it right. To make it all up to her. I want to show her that I am different now, maybe not much different but I want her to know I am better than I was before. There's probably some cringes here and there that I may not notice but show me and I'll iron it out. And since I broke up with her, it's only fair that I should be the one to start putting it back together. And I want to. But you see, she's with some one now. Maybe some one better than me. The memories we had would suffocate me if I would lose her. I'd die. Not as in taking my own life since that's a sin after all, but I will feel that there's nothing left living for. Yes, I know I have friends and families who do care about me and yes I know that there are other fishes in this human sea and I have picked myself up and gathered the pieces together and moved on. But I cannot see how will I move on or how i will find comfort and solace if i lose her. I mean it.

I want to be with her again. But I dont know if she wants me back. I want to tell her how much i truly miss her. I'm different now, I know i am a better person than I was and I want to show that to her. I am longing for this one last chance to make it all work with her, for her.