Posted Angst

My area is smelling like gunpowder and there was flash bangs, shocko bombs and ret-tet-tet goings off. Happy Chap Goh Meh everyone.

Before proceeding, this will be an angsty, depressive post of a pathetic guy who gets emotional when broken-hearted. Also, this my be dis-orienting due to incoherent nature of the thought-process. Leave if you think you'd be disgusted by it.

Warning flare has been lit. Proceed at own peril.
After i got the news that my X was dating another guy, i felt the old wound that i thought wasn't there.

Apparently I was very much mistaken

So, heart-broken, angst, and best-of-all, depressesed, I will now ramble and bitch and moan and whine about it.

Maybe I shouldn't get so worked up about it considering that she didn't do it while we were together. Still I can't help feeling betrayed.

How did i found out that she was dating someone else? Well, a friend saw her with another guy bla, bla, bla...

She could at least tell it to my face. Maybe it was better if she didn't. I don't know. I just felt betrayed. I dont hate her, though the sms's i sent seemed to her that i hated her for that. Oh well. If she says that i hate her, then i hate her lor... Though I find that impossible because i still love her.

Yea, I'm such a wuss aren't i?

It wont be long before i start my descend into depressive madness. Hmm, ironice how that I have tried and gave all that i could to drag my sorry ass out of that mental state, life seems to have a sneaky way to yank you back in.

I want (note: want) to fall in love again, but i'm terrified of getting hurt again, but then, who hasn't? For those who have not felt this, I'm glad for you. This is a very powerful negative emotion. Treasure each other, learn to listen, and always trust each other, and even when things seem stale or lukewarm, make an effort to find out what's the cause and deal with it. Back it up with action, not some cock-up blank meaningless words.

Anyone quick! Any ideas to keep me out of that state of mind?

EDIT - 23-02-2005 10:40 P.M
Just had a chat with a friend. Naturally my angsted-depression took over my logical thinking and i told her about it. Suprisingly, I made it sound like a joke.

I never made anytjhing like this as a joke. What is happening to me? Could it be I'm able to cope with this? Or is it I must've have developed a sub-concious memory to protect myself from such pain?

What ever it may be, I will take this as a sign of maturity(HAH!) and it's time for me to stop wallowing in self-pity and hurt.

And another thing she said to me that i didn't realise before. She said maybe I should be happy for her since she already found someone else. I should, but I dont feel it. But I dont hate her either. Even though she thinks that i do but i just leave it as it is.

*sigh* Singlehood. Not that i feel self-pity for myself or others who are single. At least the good thing is that we are up for grabs! Hehe. This feels very strange.
I can feel the hurt in there, but at the same time, i'm not worked up or angst about it. I feel, rather so-so. Its hard to explain. Would that be anything to do with the wine i had? It's only one glass, and that was with Sprite!

God, if You're reading this, Thanks ya. I dont want to go into another stage of depression. Please if I am to be destined with someone, make it so.

I cant post this without the song that will accompany for the next few days!

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

"The Best Deceptions"

I heard about your trip.
I heard about your souvenirs.
I heard about the cool breeze, in the cool nights,
and the cool guys that you spent them with.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

Don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you.
So kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday
and this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips will be of service
to keeping you away.

I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of them from you.
I guess I should have heard of them from you.

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.Ignoring the phone,
I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.
You're calling too late
too late to be gracious you do not warrant long goodbyes


DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

"The Brilliant Dance"

So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.

Dashboard Confessional - End Of An Anchor
I was away for a while
But I'm hoping someday you'll forgive me
Though I don't deserve it
I'll cherish it well if you give me one of your new starts

Just one more last chance
I swear that I'll earn it
If you front me for now
I'm good for it I swear
I'm better now I swear

In earlier days, they'd persecute people
They'd carry them off, and hobble their legs
For lesser offenses, and how I have harmed you
And still you allow me to walk free of pain

Though I punish myself
I will never settle
The debts I've incurred for scorning the face
Of absolute beauty, and measureless grace
And though I once mocked you
I'm dying to pay for it now
I'm dying to pay for it now

So, hand me the rocks to help weigh me down
And tether my legs with a cord tightly bound
To the end of an anchor thrown into the sound
And test me to see if I will rise against the worst that it can get

I wasn't well for a while
I savored the things that I knew were sure to destroy me
And that seemed to hold me
That seemed to carry me where I couldn't go
On the strength of my own
Well, I should've known
That gets me nowhere
I've learned that now I swear

In earlier days, they'd persecute people
They'd carry them off, and hobble their legs
For lesser offenses, and how I have harmed you
And still you allow me to walk free of pain

Though I punish myself
I will never settle
The debts I've incurred for scorning the face
Of absolute beauty, and measureless grace
And though I once mocked you
I'm dying to pay for it now
I'm dying to pay for it now, now, now

So, hand me the rocks to help weigh me down
And tether my legs with a cord tightly bound
To the end of an anchor thrown into the sound
And test me to see if I will rise against the worst that it can get

Well, I wasn't sure that I could
Well, I wasn't sure that I could
Well, I wasn't sure that I could
But, I can

EDIT - 23-02-2005 11:20 P.M
How can I not have ehis in my music therapy?

DAMIEN RICE

"Cannonball"

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know