My Redemption

It's done.
I've finally been able to come to terms to myself, my emotions and my lost friend. It took me 4 years but I can finally call her. It’s the first time I had any contact with her for a long time.

You see, she was the love of my life then but I was a TOTAL JERK that doesn't even fit to be called her boyfriend. I really love her, not because that she's gorgeous or any of her physical attraction, but because she was beautiful inside. That's true. And I was totally blind to the pain I caused her. I should have been her safe haven but I just, it hurts to say this, but I just screwed her, emotionally and mentally.
And when she broke up with me, I was utterly devastated. Serves me right. True, but I was the guy at the OTHER end of the barrel so I was bitter. But still I needed that. And though I wouldn't recommend this strategy to anyone, but it was the only thing I needed.

Because of that I was bitter, mad, hateful and angry for all this while.

Because I still have feelings for her, and I couldn't really move on. I wanted nothing to do with her and wanted to throw everything that had to do with her but still I couldn't bear to throw any of this. Seeing all the stuff she gave me hurt, but looking behind the hurt, it was my source of strength to strive to get over it.
Before we were lovers, we were really, really close friends. Before that, she was the new girl in my class. Right off, we introduced each other and the moment i got her number, i called her the same night and we talked for hours (a little over 8 hours i think) on the phone like we're old friends and we missed each other badly and catching up on times. I dont know what happened but i really felt like she was someone I knew time ago.

Fast foward to right after SPM, she and I got to the same college and our friend had to move to Kedah(or is it Negeri Sembilan?) because the dad was stationed there. then after a few months, i finally popped the question about starting a relationship. It's a little akward for me, because i was a little shy (and probably still is) and naive about stuff like that back then. I just couldn't stop falling for her, day after day.
but that's when I messed it all. i could never and still never knew why i could be so STUPID/MONSTROUS to her!

4 years later, this is the one thing that i truly regret. Not appreciating her enough.

She tried to help me and she was really patient with me for about a year before she dropped the bomb on me.

1 YEAR. That's exactly how much chances she gave me. But i just didn't see. And i just couldn't grow up. When she broke up with me, it was all too late. And i was completely and utterly messed up. it took 4 years of my life. I wasted 4 years of my life being bitter. Only recently, most likely through God's loving grace that i could finally come to terms.

But it didn't happen instantly. I needed that time to heal, to look into myself deeply that i ever dared myself to, to make changes in my life, to come to terms with my past and MOVE ON.

Of all the relationship history i've had, her's was the most memorable and most stubborn to forget. After 4 years, i could still remember her house number! And all that while, i never called her! So, when i called her home earlier today, i found out that she's in KL. So i got her number and summoned up the courage to dial her number and talk. The first time in 4 years mind you.

I didnt' know why it had to be today. I did try to call her back then but i was still hurting and i didn't want anything to do with her. Plus, i had never thought in my wildest dream that i would call her again because i was just do full of anger and hurt. When i was a little better off, i did thought of calling her but it was always either "Ok, Ok. After this." or it slipped my mind.

But today was the day it all happened. the thought of giving her a call was stuck in my mind and will simply be ignored any longer. It's like, "Are we there yet?" and hearing that over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, AGAIN.

I tried earlier but i only got her voicebox. then after church, i tried again and for the first time in over 4 years, i heard the old voice i'd never forget, "Hello?" and then, we talked.

And we talked for almost 2 hours. But most importantly, i had called her and i could say that i'm sorry and i admitted all my failures and i told her that i don't hate her, anymore. And i said sll of it with out feeling any sharp emotional pain, and without any bitterness. i said it all with every word i meant and with remorse.

We talked about the past. About the good things we did for each other (Though i'd doubt i did anything NICE to her! ) Talked about the dumb things we did. Then, we finally revealled everything about what happened to us then. Then, we talked about current life, relationship, work, old contact's, etc...

By the way, if you're thinking I'm doing this because my current relationship is shitty right now, BOY! Are you ever SO WRONG! It's time i faced my demons and cleaned my closet and bury my ghost's. I moved on. And if you think i wanted to get back together with her again, WRONG! I needed to let her know that i've stopped hating her , even though she'd forgotten about it already. I will NOT jinx, or mess up or steal her from her boyfriend. That's still too weird. Besides, we both are in a relationship! HELLO!

She has a steady relationship right now. And i'm honestly glad that she is. And for the first time, i felt released. My heart feels better, now. Now i can actually come to terms of being friends with her again, we have a lot to catch up. She still like how she used to, but with 4 years upgrade. And so did i. I'll just wait till she comes back, then we'll see if i can handle seeing her again, after more than 4 years keeping away from her.

God is driving my life now. And i have to learn to just sit tight at the co-driver seat and keep quiet and try not to direct the direction He's taking me. Hard to resist, but isn't this better than going in circles?

Wow! First really long, meaningful blog post! I'm impressed of myself!