Untitled Again

I need to stop feeling like this.
I dont know how to put it. Most might say it as depressed, angst, desperate, heart-broken etc...
Let's see if i can get into words.
I'm feel lonely, like I'm inadequate without love. I feel like I need to connect with people. Probably it's the thoughts of being alone till the end of my days that scares me.
I'm missing my girl terribly so. But sometimes i wish i wasnt so, obedient. I wanted to call, to see her and yet i dont do those things because she asked me not to. I dont want to start hating the person i love. I probably think its because she's still really young.
1 of these days, i have to find a chance to talk to her. I need to find out if she still loves me or she should just end it. Sure, i'll be hurt and all. But it's better than being caught in the dark, right?
I should get out of this relationship because it's not supposed to hurt like this. And if that sounded familiar, it's because I'm listening to Avril Lavigne's Why. I couldn't get myself to stop listening to it. Theraputic, yet not right, is my best description.
Speaking of songs, among the other song's that would qualify as the soundtrack of my 2004-2005 life includes:

Avril Lavigne - Why
Dashboard Confessional - The End Of An Anchor (Personal Fav!)
Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions
Dashboard Confessional - The Good Fight
Dashboard Confessional - Living In Your Letters (Another Personal Fav!)
Hoobastank - What Happened To Us
Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
Goo Goo Dolls - Name
Simple Plan - Welcome To My Life
Incubus - I Miss You
Jewel - Break Me
John Mayer - Comfortable
Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out
The Superjesus - Second Sun
Lifehouse - Everything (Another personal fav that will get me 'leaking' in no time!)
LO - So Julie (namesake)

Maybe it's because my mind is so wrapped up on thinking about this? But how can you possibly ask someone to forget the very person that you love?
It's over 4 years since I had experienced the love of my life leaving me. True, i was young and naive and i've had other relationships that failed too. And sure, the pain of being dump is there but they tend to get better after a long while. But, it's over 4 years and when I think back, I still harbor love for her. I have stopped hating her. I can truly and honestly admit to her that i was a jerk without having the pain of swallowing my pride/ego. She's forgotten about it, and maybe that's a good thing, i dont know. But all i can hope for now is to befriends with her again.
I'm 24 F.Y.I. And I still have a long way to go but from my point of view, i think i can say that i know what 'True Love' is. Took me a long time to forget her, got hurt, closed my heart and even though i was in other relationship, i would still sometimes catch myself thinking of her. And I miss her. She's really is my true love. Her voice would still get to me, the way she talks would just stirr up all those cherised emotions. I shouldn't be thinking like this. After all, I messed up the relationship last time. I've changed the last 4 years. And i hope it's for the better. Besides, she's got a boyfriend but i have this in my head that says "It's all fair till someone get's married". Perhaps. Normally (if i qualify as that!) i wouldn't but the thing is, i still do for the last 4 years of my life have feelins for her, i miss her, i love her. But this love i'm feeling is different.
I dont know about anyone else's, but I've had experienced sexual love and that, to me is the most addictive, if not destructive kind. It's feel's like a dirty quickfix.
I've had that one time too many.
But this love i have for her, is nothing like that. I really miss her talking, laughing, miss her facial expression when i suprise her or when i'm signalling her that i'm bored and also i miss her passion for the things that she loves, like dancing, her culture, family ties, her friendship, her tenacity when she pursues her goals, her standing in life, and her love.
I'll admit, secretly in small quiet corner of my heart, I'm still hoping that we might have a chance to be together again. Another chance to appreciate her love and LOVE her.

Feel a little better now. It helps to listen to these song's and blog it all out here. Plus, was online talking to friends. So, what else?
Oh! I'm using a BRIGHT YELLOW plastic bag as my bag! Not that i'm some immigrant or stingy scrooch or something but I'm completely broke till I get my paycheck end of this month!
By then, i'd be getting my new phone, K700i! hehehe....
Shopping does relieve depression!
So till next month, if you see a biker on a C70 with a busted front left signal light carrying a BRIGHT YELLOW plastic bag, yeah, he's me.