ressurected from the abyss

Hey! i just moved to a new job and guess what? i got broadband here! And i can use my handydrive!
sorry for not updating my site for SOOOO long so here's the scoop!
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I know I was supposed to update my blogsite on a regular basis, but when you got NO BUDGET, a short-term memory loss brain, and a tight schedule, you tend to forget things, like my promise to update my blog!
Anyways, here's a late news scoop:
Last Saturday, I went out on a trip with my girlfriend because she and her friends planned and I just followed along. At first, they planned to stay at Santubong about a week before last Saturday. But 2 days later they decided to stay at Permai. My girl told me about the change and so naturally since I was on a TIGHT budget, I asked will they charge extra because they originally decided to charge RM25 per person to pay for the trip. But thankfully, no price hikes for the change of place. So I said its ‘O.K.lah’, since it’s been a while since I had gone to any of those places. But again they changed the plan and this time they finally decided on Kubah National Park. And again I’m worried of the price but my girl assured me that they wont overcharge, or extra charge, or charge. So I said “Finally! They made up their minds!” By Friday night I had packed and checked and quadruple checked. Trust me, when you have a amnesiac brain like mine, you’ll be glad you checked this many times as I did! And I am so glad I bought that huge travelling bag 2 years ago! Not to mention, my girl also reminded me to pack and asked me to made sure I had everything I need for the trip. So on Saturday morning, I woke up at 7:25am! I have no idea why I cant sleep. (Must be the coffee!) So I took the advantage of the early hours to wash my car, and made the usual maintenance checks, flush the radiator fluid and fill it, top upped battery fluid, removed the chemical build-up of the batteries, cleaned the air filters and the wiped the filter metal housing clean, checked and cleaned the spark plugs, and making sure the connections of the spark plugs are tightly fitted and are securely connected, filled up the wiper tank and made sure the whole engine area is dry. Of course, 2 weeks before, I sent my car for another repair session and when I got my car back last Thursday, driving was and is SWEET! No more shaking wheels and steering wheels! No more squinting to see the road ahead! And the steering is finally aligned to the wheels! (Or vice versa, whichever is preferable) the only thing I need to do now is to refill the air-con gas, and maybe change the wires that connects and provides electrical sparks to the spark plugs. I suspects that’s the reason why my engine can still chug once a while especially low speeds in high gear and why my engine sounds like the engine sounds like its not revving at 100% efficiency.
Anyways, I wanted to polish but I was running out of time because I had to do a little errand for my mum and I detoured to buy a PVC car cover because I didn’t want the rain and UV rays to ruin my car’s chassis worse than it is now. Showered, got ready, packed into my car and picked my girl up. When she saw my bag, she went “WALAU EH!” I just smiled and said, “I can fit 2 of you in there, you know!” Slapped my shoulder, smiled and after apologising and sweet-talking to her, we went to her school to pick up her friend who was waiting, and drove over to her boyfriend’s place, picked him up, then drove to her place to pickup her stuff before stopping by at the general store for last minute shopping. All the while the girls are coordinating their plan as they go along by communicating through SMS. And at every stop, I would turn off my engine and pop the hood so the radiator could cool down. After the last stop, we were on our way to Kubah National Park. Although I’ve never been there, the place does give a sense of remembrance that I was there before. Creepy… anyways, my car was the first among the rest to reach the place first. The second was a Kancil, a couple and the girl was among the friends that my girl knew that had planned together for this trip. While waiting for the leader, the guys had beer and I had 1 can. With the girls getting impatient, 1 of them called the leader up and asked how much longer. 20 minutes turned to 2 hours later and a black Iswara drove up to the place. After the usual bitching and apologising, we all unpacked, made jokes n went up to our chalet. 1 hint that I need to exercise more is the uphill climb while lugging the body bag (refer: my huge travelling bag) that’s stuffed with my stuff, and also some of my girl’s stuff and bottles of water! I admit, when I got to the chalet, I was impressed. Fully furnished, 3 rooms, 8 single beds and a master bed, kitchen stove with gas, rice cooker, toaster, sink, plates, cups, spoons, forks, a kitchen knife, a fridge, with dishwashing liquid! And also, there’s a toilet and a 2-in-1 toilet-bath area. No air condition though but still, I was impressed. And what’s more impressive is that there’s hardly any mosquito annoyance! We quickly reserved our bed of choice, unpacked, relaxed, take in the scenic view, playing the guitar and having a drink of Benson’s brandy liquor mixed with cola. And it really tasted nice!
And since we had the chicken, coal, and grill and everything else that 1 might need for the barbeque, we found out that there’s no barbeque pit! Solution, simply carried/borrowed someone else’s pit that was just sitting outside an empty chalet. Problem solved, but there’s another, how to get the fire up because the drizzle earlier on had made the surrounding potential firewood pretty much useless. We tried using the old newspapers in my car to get it started but our mistake is that we placed the paper on TOP of the charcoal! *Slapping forehead* Thankfully, 1 of the guys had the experience to solve it and the solution was to use the coconut husk that was lying around right next to the pit! Talk about shortsightedness! While I got to the back to use the kitchen stove to set one of the charcoal on fire, they guys told me they got the fire started already… oh well, at least I tried. While the Iswara team (3 guys, 2 girls) are busy preparing the chicken and getting the fire up, the 6 of us (3 couples altogether) went down to the stage1 park area because of the girls wanted to go river bathing, swimming. I just tagged along with my girl, and though the other 2 couples went for a dip in the river, I stayed behind because my girl couldn’t go since it’s her time of the month. So, we just spent the time at the kid playground seesawing and taking photo’s of each other till we got bored and went down the river to join them. We just sat on a rock and dipped our feet in the cool river. After they got hungry, we went back to the chalet and I thought that cars aren’t allowed further into the chalet, I left my car by the guardhouse area and walked uphill with my girl back to the chalet. On the way, 1 of the caretakers asked me why I didn’t drive my car up. I told him that I thought cars aren’t allowed up the chalet. And he told me that there’s no such thing and that I CAN drive my car up to the chalet. I was like “DOH!” and my girl was like holding back the laughing so I told the man that it’s all right anyway that we’re exercising before dinner to build up an appetite. Got back to the chalet and found that the fire is still raging, and the chicken isn’t on the grill, cooking. Everyone was getting hungry so they asked the girls to cook the instant noodles while they rest are busy with their own thing, I had a drink, and sat by the pit looking after the fire. It was pretty late by the time the chicken got to the fire. And by that time the noodles was almost ready and when all of us could finally eat, it was around 8:30pm plus, plus.
After dinner and the clean up, we were all just sitting, lazing around talking; having drinks, passing smokes, and took shower. I was the second last to get a bath and by that time it had almost reached 11pm. Dang, mountain waters are cold! Anyway, after shower, it was another go at the chicken that was being reheated, and beer. By 12:30, everyone had gone to bed but none of us could sleep, well at least those in the same room as my girl and me. I passed out and slept like a log. I think I must’ve gotten about 2-3hours of uninterrupted sleep before I woke up and then it was a series of slipping in and out of sleep state. And my girl didn’t got any sleep because she was hungry and she didn’t even tried to wake me up to accompany her to the kitchen! *Sigh*, the silly things she endures for me… of course by the time the sun rose, no one got any real sleep that night. We all kept quiet because we thought the others were really asleep! Breakfast was sardines, tune, toasted bread, and instant noodles with either Milo, Nescafe, and strangely enough, cold gas beverage! And since we had to check out by 11am, which was the only complaint that I had, we packed up and cleaned up the place before leaving the chalet. While the rest drove their cars up the chalet, my girl and I walked all the way down, thankfully, luggage was lighter and we had gravity to help. Then I followed behind them because I didn’t know the way to the Matang Wildlife Park. About 30 minutes later we got there and went in for free, complements of the Kubah National Park. Of course they wanted to go there is because they want to have another go at swimming in the river. But mostly they washed themselves there… I could never figure out why… As always, I didn’t joined them because I wanted to accompany my girl who couldn’t join them. So basically, we just sat by the rocks, dipping our feet in the cool river while holding an umbrella to avoid the sun. And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say we looked like lifeguards on duty! After they had enough, and a fresh change of clothes, at first we wanted to head home, but since they wanted to have a look at the animals, my girl wanted to tag along. But unfortunately, they were nowhere in sight so she decided not to go and after spending some moments with her friend and boyfriend while waiting for my car interior to cool down, we said goodbye and drove back to Kuching for a bath, a moment to relax before attending mass. And that’s the latest scoop that I got for today. Hope you all enjoyed it.

[10-18-2004]
I found out what is a micro compressor is used for. And apparently the company, which also goes by the same name of their product (or vice versa) is a Malaysian based company that has a counter-part in Germany. It’s used to force huge volumes of air into the combustion chamber, thus increasing performance, while having no effect in fuel consumption and increasing engine life, while being environmentally-friendly (I still cant see how fuel-guzzling, CO emission vehicles can ever be environmentally friendly). But, the prospect of getting more mileage for gas is very intriguing indeed. And if only the cyber café would let me use my storage device’s to save those pages than instead of having to force to put what I read to memory where I have chances of getting the facts wrong!
Anyway, since compressing air also increase the temperature that, in turn expands the air volume, it’s also advisable to install an intercooler in the engine and what an intercooler does is it cools the air thus allowing for even more volume of air into the combustion chamber. But (I hope I get this right!) with the increase of air inside the combustion chamber, that will also increase the amount of fuel consumption.
Yesterday I attended mass late. No, not the usual evening mass at St. Joseph’s Cathedral but at the Blessed Sacrament in B.D.C area. Turns out the English mass starts at 10a.m. and it’s the first time I’ve been there. I have to say that it’s very impressive. At first, from the outside the church looked like it was built halfway and looked kind of small on the outside but it turns out its very spacious on the inside and it’s a double storey! And being a rather hot Sunday morning, I didn’t even a bit hot, and my girl who would complain about the hot weather was even surprised because the church inside wasn’t hot, but windy cool. And the altar ironically reminded me of my old Samsung SGH-A200 Blue-I hand phone I had for 4 years. After the mass ended, we walked around and by the corner, there’s a little altar devoted to Our Lady (I think). Forgive me if I got it wrong.
And as usual, my car being parked out in the sun, the inside felt like a sauna, except its dry. I really should get my car’s windows tinted, at least to cool the interior down the next time its parked in the sun. After lunch, we just had a moment of window-shopping, then went back to her house to rest before I dropped her at her friends place because she’s joining her boss to attend a talk for pharmacists. Next week, or rather, this coming weekend, I got to wash my car and polish it, again. That’s because my car’s hasn’t been polished for a long time and I really don’t want the chassis to get worse than it already has. Plus, the last time I polished it, the car looked like it craved polish! I had to apply the same area 3times before the polish appeared on the paint! Even after I polished and buffed out the wax, I can still see that some areas got enough polish to bring out the colours, while most of it looked like it still needed more polish into it!
When I get this month’s pay, I think I’m going to budget half of it on my bike. I plan to get my bike chassis removed of all forms of rust, have the entire body covered with anti-rust coating, then have it sprayed a metallic blue (it’s dangerous to bike my BLACK bike at night!), then change the seat, replaced the shock absorber’s to the new, low-level hydraulic shocks on both front and rear, new light-weight racing rims, and tyres that are designed to cut the water on the road. I also have DEFINITELY got to change to a new, silent, wind-sounding exhaust. I always never like those bikes with a loud noise. Oh, and also new grips, those that doesn’t have holes at the end! I just hope that with my current pay, I’d be able to get my bike and my car up to their optimum stock performance at the end of this year. After that, I’ll be able to finally put my earning for savings.
By the way, this document I’m typing on right now has been password protected by me. Why? It’s the story of my life, what better reason?!

[10-25-2004]
My girl’s puppy gave birth to a male newborn puppy that we named ‘Happy Chai’. He was born on October 23rd 2004, at about 6 a.m. I don’t know why, but something happened to me. I felt like I took on the parenting role of the puppy since the dad was some mutt outside doing what I don’t know and the mum (my girl’s dog) had skin disease, kind of like the leprosy disease. And what makes me more wanting to take care of the puppy; was the fact that the mum would take him out of her den, kick him whenever he tried to suck his mum’s milk. Probably Baby (the name of my girl’s dog) doesn’t want him to get infected by her condition or she was too spoiled growing that she doesn’t even know how to take care of Happy Chai.
In the end, we took Happy Chai into my girl’s house, made a home in a cardboard box laced with newspaper, towel and a mini pillow! This is the first time I held a life smaller than the size of my palm and so fragile! But, because of my lack and in fact, our lack of experience of taking care of puppies, I did something that we NEVER should; I fed hours old Happy Chai with Milo! And Milo contains chocolate, which is POISON to dogs! When I found out about that on the Internet about puppy care, I couldn’t sleep, having nightmares and prayed for God to save Happy Chai’s life.
Thank God Happy Chai is alive and well. I hope that he’s out of the worst of his condition now. Now, we’re feeding him Nestle concentrated milk for the moment, and so far, I’m the only one who is taking care of him urinating and taking a dump. Because we fed him but we gave much thought about anything else, he was crying really bad and something was wrong. Thanks to my newfound information, I suspected that Happy Chai might have a tummy ache so using soft cotton moistened with warm water; I stimulated his anal and genital area to help him to ‘relieve’ himself. After that, I proceeded to clean him up, making sure the water’s warm, and quickly but gently, wiped him dry and he just sleeps in the palm of my hand. I tried to feed him but I think he’s still full.
And since there’s no heat bag, my girl came up with the ingenious idea of using Ziploc bag’s laced with tissue paper’s and cotton wools on the inside and filling it with hot water to keep Happy Chai’s sleeping place warm. Genius! Another thing my girl notice is that whenever we held him, he stopped crying and sleeps. But when we put him down, he’d wake up immediately and starts crying. At first, I thought he was being spoiled but in truth, he’s cold and he needs our warm hands to keep him warm. After we warmed his bed, I put him down, he moved a bit but settled comfortable right in to sleep.
Happy Chai should be about 3 days old now, and I’ll drop by after work to make sure he’s O.K and do the ‘dirty work’ and make sure he’s happy, or at the least comfortable. I had a dream somewhat last night. It was about Happy Chai opening up his eyes and the first thing he sees is my girl and I. I just hope that I can get paid soon cause I want to bring Happy Chai to the vet for a medical check-up. And perhaps get a few more tips to keep Happy Chai growing healthy.

[10-28-2004]
Yesterday was a sad moment in my life and also my girls’ life. Happy Chai, pass on to doggie heaven at about 8:15p.m on October 27th, 2004. I can’t be sure exactly what time exactly; my girl and I will either bury his body or let the Sarawak River claim his remains.
I feel the void again. Inside, I felt being torn apart, unable to breathe, and utter painful sadness and I couldn’t even cry… I’ll miss you, Happy Chai!
About an hour later, after I picked up my girl and refuelled my mum’s car, Happy Chai’s body was wrapped in towel cloth, I carried him while walking with Donnie who was carrying a shovel and my girl was walking behind me and all 3 of us walked to the shop house area where a hole was dug, and Happy Chai was buried, and I grouped stones together to mark the grave. I was quiet and only gave short answers. Happy Chai was 5 days old when he left us. This is my way of paying my respects, love and it’s the only way I can keep him in my memory.
May Happy Chai rest in peace, Amen.

[11-02-2004]
Today suck. Although I did finally get paid, I got to the office late, and my boss was disappointed with my work on the customer’s website. And I finally got to ask the salesperson who received my Streamyx application told me what I already knew, that my application is on the waiting list and I’ll only get the service when Telekom themselves call me and ask for me to allow them to set up the connection. Until then I’d better set aside my pay for that when it happens. And apparently, I’m not the only one who is waiting for the connection because it seems that my area has the entire port filled up and until Telekom expand the pipeline and opens up more port into my area, we’re all in the limbo, my friends.
And now that I’m paid, I can set my budget on fixing up my bike. It needs a new paint job and the chassis needs to be rid of any rust and coated with the anti-rust to keep it rust-free. And I have got to get new suspensions, rims and wheels and also new exhaust because the old one is rusting away. And I’ll have to bring my friend along because I have very little know how in these things and hopefully I can the stuff cheap.
I might go gaming later, after work.

[11-30-2004]
It has been 4 weeks since my last blogging… and I am sorry. I was and still am busy with things. But I’ll try my best to get it all written down here. Let’s see, I just got back into my office from seeing the dentist (Cue, scary violin music!) yea, well you know the feeling when there’s stuff stuck in between your teeth and the only way was to use your tongue and try to nudge it out, well I did exactly that and suddenly, I felt a sharp, numbing-like excruciating pain! And it felt like it had travelled from where it originated all the down to my other teeth. So went to see the dentist earlier today and he said I got gum inflammation so the only way was to administer an injection and take medication. Now it still feels a little numb, though the pain is still there. At least he didn’t have to pull out my tooth!
And couple week’s back I think, my girlfriend and I went to 3 barbeques in 2 nights! First one was at my girlfriend’s house because the sister and the boyfriend were celebrating their anniversary. And they’re not even married yet. The next day after that, I had another barbeque function at my aunt’s place because her kids got top score in education, I think. Anyways, I invited my girl along because later on, her friend is celebrating the birthday with, guess what? Another barbeque! So, my girlfriend and I went for my aunt’s barbeque first then at about 9p.m, we went for the friends place.
By the time we got there, they’re still having problems getting the fire started. So I opted to go get some diesel. After dousing it with diesel, then we got the fire started. We didn’t get to do much, just hanging around, talking and planning for the next trip and showing them the photos of the previous trip that I took. Got home around midnight. I think?
Let’s see now… well, there’s the usual work, traffic stress, bad day(s), complaints of no money from me, etc…
Oh yea, I remembered, there’s that time when Bob Canton and his ministries came down to Kuching to start a healing rally. Now, I’ve never been to this sort of event before so I went along with my girlfriend’s family. And me being on the process to become a Catholic, I got to see a LOT of miracles going on. I hope I didn’t step on any sensitive issues here by writing it down and if you feel offended in any way, I’m sorry. You can always stop reading this, you know.
What else happened? Hmmm…. Well, its rainy season so my car’s a mobile fishpond, and it’ll stay that way until I can get the leak fixed. There’s also the problem of my bike, I think the engine must’ve gotten water into the chamber. And my casing project, it was put on hold till last Friday, I was back at it again and I’m working on it like fast. I’m going to have to rip apart the lower section, which I finished earlier on to make space for my hard disks. Also with that extra height, there should be enough air volume for my power supply. Fresh new sand paper makes work easier, trust me. The upper shell casing section is still being built, although much slower but with more care because that’s the display section.
Well, I guess that’s all I can think of for now, got to get back to work because I have to deliver it today.

[12-08-2004]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Though somehow I don’t feel quite happy. Ever since that day when my girl told me that we should take a break from our relationship, I was devastated. I still love with all that I am, and I know that she still loves me, but I just don’t feel that she does. At least she and my sis, Kim remembered my birthday and wished me well. Maybe I’m just paranoid or insecure or something but I can’t get this off my mind that my girl doesn’t love me anymore. I wanted to ask her if she still does but I’m just so scared of hurting her feelings just by asking her that.
I don’t know what to do now.

[12-09-2004]
Got home around 2:30 a.m. Went out with my friends to catch the movie ‘Alexander’. My girl followed, though I’m not sure if she really wanted to. Firstly, the movie starts at 11:15p.m and being a 2 hour 45 minutes movie, we’re bound to be home late. I did told her that she didn’t have to follow if she didn’t want to, but she said she’ll go since it’s my birthday and all. So, I picked her up after work, drove over my place so she could get some sleep first. And I’m not going to tell you what she got for my birthday though some of you might have guessed correctly, or not.
It was while driving that she told me what I knew all along that she didn’t want to hold hands or do any of the mushy couple things because, we’re still on a break. And when I dropped her home and said I love her, I knew what her reaction would be; she just smiled back. I am guessing it is because we are still on a break. That sucks.
She’s not the movie-going kind of person. Except for some movies that she knows its worth going to. And I said to her that she don’t have to join me because I don’t know if she likes the movie we’re watching, and being a late show as it is. She said it was my birthday so she followed. Makes me wonder what about OTHER days…
She told my friends that it happened to be my birthday that day and I was like, surprised. It was sweet of her, because I just keep my birthday to myself. No need to tell the whole world about it was my mindset. I just can’t stop feeling, or thinking, or wondering that she doesn’t love me.
Now I know what it feels like to have rampaging war-elephant step on your chest.

[12-20-2004]
When I listened to Hoobastank’s Running Away, I couldn’t hold back and rush to the toilet and cried my heart out. Damn it, about to shed tears again… last Sunday after mass, noticed she ‘shrugged’ off or rather, didn’t respond to me putting my arms around her. When I got home and messaged her about it, I asked her if she was losing the feeling and she said it’s kind of true, which literally tore me from the inside. Now, she doesn’t even dare to talk to me and I don’t like that. The thought of her afraid of talking to me just kills me!
When I messaged if I could see her tonight, she said she’d be going out the whole night. I’m going to pick her up from work tomorrow and we’ll talk.
I can only think of her and save our relationship but I don’t know how! If I react, I’m scared I’d be pushing her, and if I don’t, I would lose her! And I can’t stand the thought of her not loving me! I cant breathe right, my heart’s pouncing, my chest is in pain, and I and absolutely frightened.
Frightened of losing her, frightened of being alone, frightened of knowing that our relationship would just crumble and frightened of not being loved by her and not able to love her again with all my being, with all heart and with all my soul.
Frightened that love is nothing more than an addictive, useless, illusion. And the knowledge and the pain of coming to that point of knowledge will destroy, if not utterly twist the minds of those who feel this pain. I almost went there last time. I just live to die. No longer caring for anyone, no remorse, and always taking up the opportunity to get myself killed.
Then, she came and saved me from myself. It’s been a long, hard war against myself and I’m still fighting. Fighting because I can love another person, again. Now I feel my hands and legs are too heavy. I can’t defend myself, taking in blows after blows.

[12-21-2004]
Prayed last night to ask God to save my relationship with my girl. She did messaged late last night asking if I’m OK. I don’t know. I just answered ‘OK, I guess…’ How can I describe the feelings that I’ve been going through since that day? Worse, I’m experiencing this, for the 2nd time. If anyone were to ask me what pain mankind should be spared, this would be it. Purgatory and limbo, on earth.
I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate on my work, and I’m not getting enough sleep. She said we’re still together, even though she’s still needs her break. She keeps saying its her fault and she’s trying2ix it, she doesn’t know why she’s keeping distance from me and she doesn’t want to cheat us and herself, she’s confused and doesn’t know why she cant feel ‘it’ anymore, she doesn’t know if there’s any chance for us and she’s scared to even talk to me without shedding tears, and she really don’t feel ‘it’ anymore and she doesn’t want to continue cheating me and she’s sorry?!
WHY?!
WHY?!
WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must’ve read that message so many times. I don’t know. What are we going to talk about tonight? I don’t know what she went through went she was writing that message and sending it to me. But what I do know is that what she was saying when she sent that is that our relationship is dead since day 1, and she’s been PRETENDING in front of me! Now, she wants to stop? How can I go on, knowing that the ONLY person I loved, and STILL do, no longer loves me? I have lost her, my girl, my lover, my friend, my partner, my CONFIDANT, my LOVE, my SALVATION, my LIGHT and my HOPE, my LIFE!

TWICE!

IT’S NOT FAIR!

Perhaps, it is retribution for my sins. Payback for the times I broke other hearts. If so, then I am guilty for all my sins. I guess this is to teach me how others felt when I ended it with them. Do I deserve this?
NO! I don’t! As cocky and as stuck up as I sound, no, I don’t deserve this.
I fell utterly in love with one and I ended up with her having an affair behind me. After nearly 4 years, I totally and willingly gave my heart to my girl and I end up with her lying, cheating about her ‘dead’ feelings for me. Do I deserve this?
Do I hate her now? Yes.
Will I still want her back? In a heartbeat.
Will I be able to love her again as much as before? Probably not, maybe more than before…
Is there a 2nd chance? I pray that God would give us that.

[12-22-2004]
I don’t feel that bad, at least for now… I picked her up from work and we did talked about us. I’m not sure what happened to me but she sort of woke me up when she said have I ever given thought of how she feels. And when I asked her when did this happen, she told me it was after the trip. Having keeping me from this for so long, I felt the shock of how could she be keeping this for so long. I felt angry, but more disappointed and hurt even more. Then I’m not even sure, but in my mind I was thinking of how much (pain?) she had gone through keeping this from me because she knew that if she had told me, it would just kill me on the inside.
And I thought, “How can I give her what she wants when what she wants hurts me but if I don’t then it would just her and I would be even more hurt because I am hurting her?”
Toward the end of our talk, all I know is that we are on a long break, and that means I cant call her, I cant message her, and I have to avoid seeing her in church and that means I will be going to the Blessed Sacrament in my area. This is so hard. But we are still together. It’s sort of like married husband and wife, but living apart for a while. She said she’d call me when she’s ready.
She cried and said she had made my life a mess and that she’s useless and that I will not accept nor allow her to say that to herself. She has made my life more beautiful that I could ever thought and if she made a mess of it, so what? I love her! And she is NEVER useless! I LOVE her! With all the good, silly, bad, crazy antics that is all her! When I drove her home, I told her how am I going to give her the presents I had already bought? She said she’d call me on Christmas. I was hugging her while I am driving her home. When we got to her house, I can’t bear to let her go. Now I know how she feels when she didn’t want to get out of my car! She asked me not to do something stupid. Like, taking my own life. Heck no! I have her to live for! She and I kissed and I told her that she has to pull away from me because I can’t let her go. I am afraid of that it could be the last time I am with her.
Drove home, then hang out with my friends because they happen to be hanging out having a drink at a coffee shop. So I met up with them and I told about what happened to my close friend. And both of us agreed that neither of us understands what my girl (and still is!) wants. But some how, out of the blue, I said that its like my girl is asking for a time-out from this relationship. Then me and my buddy went, “Ahh!” hmm…. Ironic, isn’t it?
Meeting up with friends after this emotional roller coaster is doing me good. I had laughed with my friends, joked around and basically release my stress. It’s a quick fix though, not a permanent one. I still do think of her, but now I don’t that terrible or that frightened anymore. When I got home, I prayed to God. I told Him all about what happened to me and prayed that my girl will love me again because I need her. I love her and I don’t know how else to tell her. I just prayed to God that he will have mercy on me and answer my prayers and my girl will love me and I prayed that I will have the courage and faith and patience to love her more, APPRECIATE her more and that our love and our bond will be stronger than ever. Amen to that.

[12-23-2004]
Had a dream last night. I was lazing on the couch with my girl and just spending some quiet time together. I know we talked but I can’t remember now exactly what we talked about. It something mushy stuff, the kind when people are in love. And most of the time my dreams are usually what will come in future. But I will just live and get through the day. Earlier yesterday afternoon, around 3-4 p.m., my friend messaged if I wanted to go for a movie with them so I joined along.
Went to watch ‘Ocean’s 12’ and its cool! And cold! The whole night was raining and the cinema is air-conditioned! The capuera-laser-dodging scene was cool! And Catherine Zeta Jones is absolutely gorgeous! And the part in the movie where Julia Roberts had to pretend that she IS Julia Roberts in the movie was a little bit confusing but it was funny. Great movie, definitely worth getting the DVD.
I was about to pay for my ticket but they didn’t want to accept my money. They just said it Christmas and the least they can do is cheer me up since they know about what happened between my girl and me. Got home around 11, watched TV, freshen up and got ready for bed. Did game for a while but some how felt really sick. Must be the cigarettes and the popcorn and the late night meal.
It’s only been the 2nd day since my girl and I had last talked and see each other. It’s still very tough for me though. I’m not sure, but I guess that’s how she feels when I was so busy working till I forgot to contact her! My guess right now is that she’s probably out with her friend who came back for Christmas. At least, I hope that I won’t be in her head for a while. She did say that she needed a break, after all. Me, I’m still hoping quietly, praying that she will one day, call me and tell me that she’s ready for me. Though I still don’t know how will react when I see her on Christmas.

[12-24-2004]
My girl messaged me last night!! And she missed me! Thank God! I was so happy I didn’t sleep till like around 2 a.m. but she’s still on her break so she said she didn’t want to meet, yet. And I’m going to try very hard not to message her or call her or see her till she’s ready. I did ask her that what she meant by a break and time for her is that she needed some time out for herself, but we’re still together.
Her mum, called me up at about 11 a.m. today. At first I wasn’t exactly sure but then I knew, her mum knew about our relationship and I think she’s trying to comfort/assure me or something like that. But her mum did say something about give her a chance because she’s still young, or something like that. She did ask whether if I’m going to mass tonight, I said yea, but I’m not sure to either go to the St. Joseph’s cathedral or the church in my area. Most likely I’ll be going to the church in my area because she did say that she didn’t want to meet me, yet.
Now, I don’t know what else to say except “Merry Christmas!”

[12-27-2004]
I’m back… its been quite a busy Christmas day, but altogether not that bad. On Christmas Eve, had dinner with my family, then was planning to go to the church in my area, but then 2 of my friends needed a ride so I ended up going the church I usually go to. The reason why I didn’t want to go there is because I’m keeping my side of the bargain because although my girl said she missed me, she still didn’t want to meet so I stayed in the shadows and later stayed outside with my friends. After mass, my friends and I went for a drink at the local coffee store and then my girl messaged me wishing me merry Christmas and asked if I went for mass and I told her I went to the same one she went to and told her I stayed hidden because she didn’t want to meet me. Then she replied saying she was looking for me but couldn’t see me! Women can be very confusing sometimes… and the same thing goes for us men.
On Christmas, I dropped by her place after I had stayed a while at my grandpa’s orchard on Christmas morning. She was smiling form ear to ear and couldn’t stop smiling and laughing when she opened my present. Frankly, if I didn’t told her that I bought her present, she wouldn’t want to see me at all, I think.
After that, I went over visiting my friends and came back home around 3-4 a.m. I had quite a lot to drink there. And the next day, around 2 in the afternoon, my friend messaged me and told me to get ready because they were on their way.
By the time we reach my friends place that I said was going to visit yesterday, my girl’s mum called me up and then hung up. At first I thought it was her miss calling me so I called her number up. Then I found out that it wasn’t so when I answered her mum’s call, my girl’s mum asked if I’m going to church. I said I couldn’t because I’m out visiting with my friends. Then her mum asked if I’m free on Tuesday because they were planning on meeting with one of our fellow religious about my relationship with my girl. Since I’m always free, I said ok. But I didn’t tell my girl about that. And I feel really bad about it.
My girl did message me later on to take care and not to take too much alcohol. Told her I wont and earlier today, I messaged her because I can’t make myself thinking of her! It started last night after I got home then for some reason she got stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. I did my best to ignore till today, I couldn’t stand it any longer so I messaged her; something I shouldn’t have done. Later on, she miss called me and I don’t know why but I called her back because I thought I saw my phone registering her miss calling me 3 times! When I asked her about it, she said she only missed call me once today. We talked for less than a minute and we hung up. It wasn’t what she said but how she said it, its like she was like in no mood to talk. Maybe its nothing but I just had to let it out so I can concentrate on my work for now.

[12-29-2004]
She still didn’t answer me back when I said; “I love you”. As usual, she only smiled at me. Not only that, I’m getting the sense that she’s avoiding me, like she doesn’t want to look at me, she doesn’t want to hold me. Then when we were all about to go back, she told me that she’s following her own car because she wanted to talk to her friend.
Now, she’s probably out having her last driving lesson before her driving test. I really don’t know what to do or how to respond except to forgive her, to be patient with her and love her. I pray that I have the fortitude to do so.
And this morning, I had a dream that felt all too real. In my dream, I remember waking up feeling pretty drowsy because my phone rang, and then I heard my girl telling me on the phone that she’s ready for me and she said “I Love You”. Then I woke up (again?) feeling drowsy, turn off the alarm and wondered was I dreaming or was that real? I hope and prayed that the moment will come to pass one day. Its more than 3 hours already and she still haven’t bothered to message me. * Sigh! *

[12-30-2004]
She didn’t messaged or called me for the whole day and night. And I’m still holding on, although it’s been and still is extremely hard for me. I’ve been trying really hard to not think of her but when the person you love says she doesn’t have the feeling anymore, you tend to go a little bit too preoccupied with that.
Yes, I still love her with all my heart. And I guess, when you love a person that much, your love can stand triumphant over all challenges. I don’t know, I pray and hope it does. May my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ find me worthy for my prayers to be answered.
I don’t know how she felt when she didn’t have feelings for me and have being keeping me in the dark for the past 2 months because she couldn’t bear to tell me the truth because the truth would hurt me. Now that it’s been over how many days I cant remember since she asked me that both of us take a break. I just want to hold her, look deep in her eyes, both eyes if possible and tell her “I, Love, You…”
Don’t know why but I messaged her, “I love you…” She told me that she passed her driving exam and she’s only waiting for her license. When I asked if I could bring her out shopping if I get paid she said she needs to accompany her friend till her friend goes back to study. Ah well, told her to give my regards to her friend and I gave her a smiley and a hug and still said, “I love you”. She miss-called.
It’s even more painful that she didn’t respond to me. A smile maybe. True love waits they say. Me? Oh, I’m just waiting… for the day


[12-31-2004]
Last days of 2004, my last day of work and a new beginning (I hope) for the victims of Tsunami-2612. We got a violent earth, its bad enough that we still need to be violent ourselves and hurt each other. Met up with my friends at one of their house. My friend’s girl had asked what I would be doing tonight. I said I got no plans on and she asked if I had met up with my girl. I told her not since Christmas. Surprised expressed on her face and she told my friend that I haven’t seen my girl for that long. Oh well. I told them that my girl’s close friend is back for the holidays so they want to spend the time hanging out and having the girls outing thing. Got my Gmail account from my friends’ invitation.
This morning, told my grandma that I might not be home for the night because I’d be at my friends kampung celebrating the New Year. I don’t know whether I should go or not because my grandma will be home alone. And I’m still quietly hoping that my girl will ask me to be with for the New Year. My grandma asked how come I’m not bringing my girl and I told her what I told my friends.
I hope my girl is missing me and thinking of me.

[01-03-2005]
Happy belated New Year everyone! I know there are a few days gap so I’ll try to fill it in. Let’s see, where do I start? Well, I did messaged my girl when I shouldn’t but I miss her terribly and if I don’t do something I’d go insane. Well, I asked if she’d let me visit her at her work but she’s busy arranging stocks and she reminded me that she’s still on her break so I replied that doesn’t mean that I cant express how I’m feeling for you right. Then I said I love her and then she replied that she knows and that she’s very busy and she’ll messaged me sometime. I didn’t get to tell her that I’m going to stay the night at my friend’s village and I wont have any line there.
So anyway, I got home, rested, then went to my friend’s village and for the first time since my girl went on her break, I felt at peace. There’s the usual barbeque, gathering, liquor and did I mention I broke my fast with a shot of London’s Dry Gin on an empty stomach? Insane yes, but I can’t exactly refuse a drink offered by the head of the house now can I? Anyway, 15 minutes later, I was fighting to keep my balance so I went to the back and took the burger we bought along earlier to reduce the alcohol effect on me. Got better after about an hour later. Then the feast, the drinks, the smokes, the firecrackers, the relaxation, the sitting down and talking and drinking. I probably didn’t drink much but in the end only me and my friend and his girl was the only person left still drinking, and conscious and sober but happy and not drunk. We did clean up (sort of!) and then we went inside to rest and play cards and get a nice hot drink and wash up before going to bed. Man, the night was pitch black! I mean as in u cant see anything at all!
Woke up later but wasn’t really sleeping because it was hot. Had a really light lunch because I’m still full and a smoke and plain drink. Took my friend 3 o’clock to wake up and by the time we were all ready to go down it was nearly 4. Luckily I got home in time to get a real bath and then went out again to pick up my grandpa because one of my distant relatives just passed away. Met up with an old friend and distant cousin. Got home by about 9 and then slept.
Next day, didn’t do much. Woke up late for Mass, bought food home and just watched TV and thinking of my girl wondering why she didn’t messaged me or even called me if I’m going to church this evening. Couldn’t stand it any longer so I messaged the sister’s boyfriend asking how is my girl. Then he was surprised because he didn’t know anything about us so he said that we should meet up and so we met while I was buying food and he gave me advice on how to renew the feeling. To sum it, surprise her; get her something she always wanted. Show her that you gave your best effort into something because I love her. Dinner, shopping’s, gifts.
Today, she messaged me after school and she told me that her friends are asking for the birthday party photo’s we attended earlier. And today’s the day I start my new job. It’s not so bad but in about 7 hours it will be insane! 2 words best describe this:
Packed schedule!

[01-07-2005]
Well, still getting used to waking up early and ACTUALLY working… but I’m getting the hang of things, though I have to cope with the baggy eyes. Yesterday, drop by the gift shop next door to get my girl a gift. No idea why I did it but I just did. Looking at it from this perspective, at least they’re not charging the Valentine’s Day pricing!
Haven’t got much going on in my life, just been really occupied juggling 2 jobs. My 2nd job is a part-time graphic designer. Dateline was supposed to be yesterday but couldn’t get it done because my primary job needed more attention. So, I’m still waiting if the postpone of the schedule date can be arranged. Still miss my girl everyday, and still waiting for the day when she’ll want me.
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